Introspection

Sa masaya marami kang kasama. Pagdating sa lungkot at problema ika'y naiwang mag isa.

Tatakbo ka. Gusto mong may takbuhan. Pero wala, sarado lahat ng pintuan. Sinubukan mong sumigaw humiyaw dahil malapit ka nang bumitaw pero wala, mag-isa ka sa pamilyar na lugar na ngayon para kang naliligaw.

Dahil walang kaibigan, walang maiyakan, walang makausap, walang malapitan.

Ang dating maingay na kalye. Masayang buhay, nung nawalan ng kulay, lahat sila parang namatay.

Akala ko dati hawak ko ang isang espesyal na lugar sa puso mo pero wala, mali ako. Pader pa din pala, madilim gaya ng iba, ang kinalalagyan ko, di makapasuk pasok dyan sa mundo mo.

Mabuti naman ako. Oh sige masama na nga. Pero ikaw, mabuti ka ba? Akala ko dati, abot kamay kita. Hanggang ngayon pala, sang libong yabag, sanglibong dipa, kahit mamatay ako sa kakahingal, hinding hindi makakalapit, dahil sinigurado mo ang iyong distansya.

Paano nga ba? Sabi ko. Paano nga ba dahil pati ako, kung ituring mo parang isang trabaho. Matapos lahat ng kailangan, sabihin ang gusto namin marinig na magpapasaya sa lahat. Ikaw ay babalik sa mundo mong di ko kailanman makikilala o maiintindihan.

Ginusto kong maging isang kaibigan pero lahat kayo, ang galing mang iwan. Pero bakit ako nanunumbat? Bakit ako nagagalit? Eh tingin mo naman sakin walang binatbat, pabigat, pasakit?

Wala na tong pag-asa. Sabi ko, wala na to. Kahit gusto ko sabihin walang nakikinig, bingi ang mga tao.

Bingi sa madilim, bingi sa komplikado. Bingi sa mga problema, lalo na sa tumatakbo sa ulo mo.

Ikaw? Paano ka babangon? Eh wala ka naman mahawakan para makatayo? Tiisin ang sakit tiisin ang hapdi, tiisin lahat para sarili ay kayanin.

Gegewang gewang, wala pa rin makapitan. Wala na ba talagang taong kayang lapitan? Siguro nga ikaw. Ikaw, ang sarili mo. Oo, ikaw, kayanin mo lahat to.

Hayaan mong dumaloy lahat ng luha, malay mo sa luha mahugasan lahat ng pagdurusa.

Isipin mo na lang, ikaw ay ikaw. Kakayanin mong mag- isa dahil wala na eh, lahat sila pumanaw.

Takot ka man para sa bukas, harapin mo ng natitira mong lakas. Dahil ikaw lang ang magmamahal sa sarili mo ng wagas.

Tiisin mo ang hapdi na dala ng hinaharap. Tiisin mo lahat. Lahat ng hirap. Sa huli ikaw lang matatakbuhan ng sarili mo. Dahil wala yang lahat ng tao kung hanggang sa huli sila ang inaasahan mo.

Yaan mo na, ganun talaga ang buhay. Lahat ng tao may angking sablay. Iba ka nga lang dahil alam mo lahat ng to. Ang ibang tao pag di pabor sa kanila, wala ka nang kwentang tao.

Sablay, sablay kailan sasaya? Tumingin ka kasi sa loob mo, hayup ka. Ikaw lang at ikaw ang magkaramay sa mundong 'to. Wala nang ibang handang tumanggap sayo. Hanggang sa huling hininga mo, yakapin mo ang sarili mo. Ikaw hindi sila. Ikaw hindi siya ang aabot ng pangarap mo.

Ako Pa Rin Ang Talo.

A poem I made way back Feb 16, 2016.

Ako pa rin ang talo. 

Iiwanan na kita. 

Dahil sinasaktan mo ako. 

Sa bawat ngiti mo, 

sa bawat tingin mo,

alam ko, 

wala akong puwang 

dyan sa puso mo

Iiwanan na kita 

dahil hindi patas ang oras na binibigay ko sayo 

kapalit lamang ng limos na sandali na kadalasan pa ay dinadaanan na lamang ng hangin, 

lumilipad nang walang pagbalik. Iiwanan na kita 

dahil wala akong napapala. 

ang puso kong nasaktan 

ay nasasaktan ng paulit ulit pa. 

Sabi nila sa pagibig, 

wala kang dapat hintaying kapalit. 

Ngunit bakit kahit anong pilit ko, 

Bakit uhaw pa din ang puso ko 

sa pagmamahal mo? 

Pero alam kong hindi ko pwedeng angkinin ang puso mo. 

Ang puso mong maraming nagmamahal, 

ang taong inaalayan ng lahat ng kanilang mga puso. 

O sige, tatanggapin ko na 

kailan man walang pagmamahal 

na mahuhulog sa palad ko. 

Pero baka pwedeng pasasalamat? 

Kahit utang na loob?

na sa kabila ng pagkabulag mo, 

sa kabila ng pagkamanhid mo, 

sa kabila ng pagkagago mo,

marami ang nagmamahal sayo. 

Mga taong nagpapakabulag sayo, 

mga taong namamanhid sa lahat ng pagkakamali mo. 

Mga taong tinatanggap ang lahat 

ngunit hindi nawawalan ng pag asa na makatanggap ng maliit na pasasalamat mula sayo. 

Pero wala. Nganga. 

Iiwan na kita 

dahil kahit wala kang ginawa 

Ang puso ko, dinurog mo ng todo. 

Baka nga hindi na kayang magmahal pa,

dahil ito'y bugbog-sarado. 

Panahon na para lumaya. 

Panahon na para isipin ko namang maging masaya. 

Pero paano ba matuturuan ang pusong pumili ng kasiyahan sa iba?

kung ikaw at ikaw rin lang ang tinitibok nya? 

Iiwanan na kita, 

pero bakit ganun? 

Sa tuwing nakakapag-ipon ako ng lakas para humakbang palayo, 

bumabaon ang sakit ng puso ko

Inaalis ng unti-unti 

ang hangin sa katawan ko.  

Ano ba ang pipiliin ko?

Mamuhay ng may sugatang puso? 

o umalis at ikamatay ko? 

Hindi lang pala puso ko 

ang iyong inangkin. 

Pati ang aking pangarap,

pati ang aking pagasa, 

pati ang aking hangin. 

Hindi lang pala ang puso ko, 

pati rin pala lahat ng tapang, 

lahat ng lakas para magawa kong humakbang palayo, 

Lahat na lang, inangkin mo. 

Kahit anong gawin ko, 

Sayo na pala ang buong mundo ko, 

sa huli, kahit anong pagpupumiglas ko, 

kahit anong kagustuhan kong 

itigil lahat ng ito. 

Hindi ka pa rin lilingon,

Hindi ako makakatakbo. 

Sa huli, ako pa rin ang talo.

10 Reasons Why #Elise is Worth Saving

1. Because it is relatable. So many times in the movie that you will realize that you share the same awkwardness, the same crazy conversations with your bestfriend, and the same tongue-tied moments Bert always ends up to.

2. Because you get to see Janine in her most raw, beautiful role to date. Janine makes you realize that Elise is one irresistable beauteous siga, hard headed as can be but with sparks of naivety. Her beauty haunts your memory. I can never forget how she looks at the camera when she and Bert were lovingly eating an ice cream while the camera pulls out to a full shot of them. It was perfect and it hurts when you get towards the end because your memory always brings you back to that perfect shot.

3. Because the story is unfamiliar, yet familiar. You thought it was told in a different way, yet there is this familiar feeling that makes you realize its honest depiction of what you really do and what you really feel when you deal with yourself. When the wholes world is not watching.

4. Because the timeline was reinforced by some Regal classic movies. Nora and Pip, Shake Rattle and Roll, Vilma. Take a guess!

5. Because Victor Anastacio reminds us of our bestfriends who would drive you into pouring out your true feelings and get distracted while your'e in the middle of it but still would stick with you up to the end.

6. Because ice cream is everything. Ice cream sprinkled Bert and Elise's love story. It's one of the hundreds of depictions of a beautiful hurt. It carried a lot of memories that you didn't know grew on you.

7. Because it is honest. It showed you a story of this guy and how he went through his life, dealing with this stubborn girl who happens to be the love of his life. Just like witnessing how life unfolds in an extra personl level. Him sharing his honest to goodness feelings.

8. Because it is simple. Peeking through Bert's life without the grand gestures, the walling cries, the extravagant dialogues. No hugot lines, no theatrics. Just like how we go through our lives everyday. its simplicity will get you, entice you and break you into pieces in the end without a hint. I was hit and blown away.

9. Because its iressistably charming. You wouldn't know that it already got you until you come to the point were you just cried with it. it charmed you into planting something you did'nt know from the start, unknowingly grew inside you and just tears you apart when its time to pull it out. You never realized it stuck in your memories of beautiful moments and reminded you the pain at the time you didnt know you were carrying. Something that you can't trace but can feel and in the middle of that mystery somehow you understand what Bert is going through. unforgettable feels, Direk Joel. Unforgettable indeed.

10. Because it is by far, Enchong's Best. I am trying my best to separate the bias because I always believed in this guy and my love for him has another universe of its own. I watched it all over again. And in three occassions, I was caught by Bert, not Enchong's charm; his uncontrollable moments of surrender when it comes to Elise. His awkwardness, his pain, his struggles, his dreams, his capability to love. Elise, her beauty and her imperfections will not be as beautiful and mesmerizing without seeing it through Bert's eyes. Its how his dreams intertwined with the woman he loves which the universe played with over and over again. Well played for a simple character with complex feels. Its his journey of love in general. The chaos within, carefully handled. Heart is wounded, with scars like a tattoo - a beautiful hurt.

TO LOVE MYSELF MORE WHEN I REACH 34.

It was never an easy journey of my 33 years. I always take the wrong decisions, I always worry, I always want to go back, restart and just forget about everything.

I am always disappointed with how I carry myself, with how I let myself be treated unfairly by others. Maybe because I always think that Karma will always avenge me. But no. Maybe in my world, karma can be bribed, karma is blind and karma is unfair.

Yesterday I had mini-cries (around 6, i think) from morning to evening. paranoia is eating up my brain, clouding up my judgement, strengthening my unreasonable heart, empowering the drama queen inside me. what is wrong, netchaii?

COUNT THE BLESSINGS.

before i drown with my weak soul and result in a very awkward suicide, the good netchaii in me wants to look back and count the blessings. Lets see.

Just My 2 Cents

hindi ka naman sisigawan kung magaling ka. pupuriin ka pa kung magaling ka talaga. kung wala ka palang talent, bakit ka nagpadala sa girlfriend mo at umextra ka? tapos magagalit ka at magdedemand ng apology dahil nasigawan ka? 

Hindi lahat ng tao bigla ka na lang mumurahin just because ito na ang industriya. may mga rason ang mga bagay bagay. its just that sumalang ka sa gera na wala kang sandata. diba unfair naman sa production yun? hindi lang naman puro paganda at puro artista at puro glamour ang industriyang ito. people work hard just to provide quality entertainment. totoo talagang this industry is not for the weak, actually susubukan ka pa nya how far you can go. 

Kaya kung inakala mong madali lang mag extra, nagkakamali ka. dapat alam mo na yan para tinanggihan mo na ang pag-extra in the first place. at huwag mong iexpect na uupuan ka at mag heart to heart talk kayo kung bakit di mo magawa-gawa ang eksena. this industry doesn't have the luxury of time. mabilis lahat ng nangyayari kaya kung gusto mo ng respeto, dapat inalam at nirespeto mo din ang mundong pinasok mo. 

THE LOVE THAT YOU GIVE MUST NOT BE COUNTED. THE LOVE YOU RECEIVE MUST ALWAYS BE APPRECIATED.

Always bear in mind that you can never measure a love that is being given and a love that is received. Its two different things.

Nobody can compare love. 

Like a fingerprint,each of us have our own intensity when it comes to loving. His intensity 10 might just look like intensity 5 to you but its already his all. it already counted his whole heart, but you chose not to care enough because for you, it did not even reached your standards of tru love - which is wrong, and definitely unfair.

My Own Version of the so-called Hearts Day.

This has got me thinking.  I want to start this tradition every Valentines Day. 

I wrote a short summary of Love Stories on how couples, non-couples, strangers and what-might-have-beens spend the their Valentines Day. (My mind only produced 6). Just sharing. 

The Not-So Prom Queen. 

The Irony of a Joyride. 

The Valentine Vamp. 

The Scene Stealer. 

The Caramel Frap Girl. 

The Wasted Party Animal. 

Six Girls who dreamt of a perfect valentines day. The first pretended to have a perfect one.  The second, ended up in tragedy. The third created her own perfect moment. The other landed on a perfect moment unexpectedly. The fifth spent it with tears in her eyes. And the last, still at a loss, blinded by her perspective of a true love that fades after party. 

What do you think? :)